» It was supposed to be a happy time. Being mid-March, it was right around the time their boys, who had been in the NICU since birth to grow and develop more, to come home. They were getting bigger as was expected, could breathe on their own, and maintain their own temperatures. They were just having some trouble feeding right now, and needed to get bigger before they could be released. But as the boys seemed to get stronger, Kenadie was getting more frail. They had fight in them. They wanted to live. Kenadie, not so much. Sure, she had agreed to treatment and then a BMT from Kaedan, but it was only because she lacked the strength to fight with him about it any more. She'd argued for hours with him about the BMT- he was a near-perfect match, and wanted to give her some of his own marrow so she might get better from it and hopefully not make any more inadequate cells like she was now. But Kenadie didn't want them. It was bad enough that he couldn't let her go, but now he wanted to donate marrow to her? She knew it would be painful for him- they would have to cut into him, take out his marrow, and then give it to her. In many ways, it would be more difficult for him than it was for her. But she also knew the total-body irradiation leading up to it would likely kill her, and was banking on that. Unfortunately, It did not kill her, and the transplant went off without a hitch.

» That was two days ago. Kenadie was now in an isolation room, because the TBI had completely wiped out her immune system, and until Kaedan's marrow took hold more- which could take months- any little germ could easily kill her. The isolation room was a lonely place. The walls were plain, and the only window looked out into the hall, not outside. Visitors weren't even allowed, except for immediate family or a spouse, and anybody entering the room had to go through a series of steps to decontaminate themselves as much as possible- scrub hands like a surgeon, put on a surgical mask and gloves as well as a surgical gown. Nothing could be brought in unless it was soaked in rubbing alcohol first, which ruled out pretty much anything. Since the transplant, Kenadie had been pretty much sedated. Attached to her Hickman line were fluids to keep her hydrated, a unit of blood, and pain medicine that, until about an hour ago, had been in such a high dose that Kenadie was basically a vegetable. But there was a reason behind it. BMTs could be quite painful for the recipient, and judging by Kenadie's combative nature even before the transplant, they could only assume she would react violently to the pain, and probably do something that would get her killed. So, for the safety of herself and hospital staff, they kept her sedated. This morning, they started lessening the dosage, and finally about an hour ago- it was now around nine at night- had her down to a minimal dosage, at least until she was awake and aware enough to tell them how much pain she was in.

» As of now, Kenadie was relatively stable. Her temperature was, luckily, normal, so she didn't have any infections, and her heart rate and breathing and blood pressure were all good. It seemed like, at least for now, she would pull through. She was sleeping soundly, like she had been all day, and actually looked somewhat peaceful, as opposed to her usually resentful demeanor. She opened her eyes slowly and looked around. Usually, when they moved her to a different room and she woke up in an unfamiliar location, she got upset. But this time, no such thing happened. She simply blinked, taking in her surroundings quietly. By default, she understood where she was, and seemed to accept it pretty well. She was too weak to sit up herself, but reached over and pushed the button on the side of her bed so the top went up, helping her sit up partially. Then, it hit her. She was fighting for her life. Like the ton of bricks that she'd been ignoring since everything began, she suddenly realized how scared she was of this fight. Covering her mouth with one hand, and cried quietly, not even realizing that someone was watching her through the glass.

tag » kaedan ?!
status » finished ?!
outfit » hospital gown ?!

» Usually, the concern would be that the parents- in this case, Kenadie and Kaedan- would give the babies an infection or make them sick. But in this case, the opposite was true. The whole reason that Kenadie hadn't been allowed to see anything but pictures of her little boys was because they might get her sick. Their immune systems might be underdeveloped, but hers was almost completely gone, after all the treatments. Strangely, she was more prone to random infections than they were. Not being able to see the two surviving triplets was just another thing breaking her heart. She wanted so badly to go see them, sit beside their isolettes and hold them for a while, but she couldn't. Nobody would let her in, and now she was too weak to break in, or even get out of her own bed. She hated being so weak. It wasn't her at all. She didn't feel like the same Kenadie she'd always been.

» It was like a light switch, really. For the longest time, all Kenadie wanted to do was die. The last thing she'd wanted to do was keep on fighting. All she'd wanted to do was give up and die. And now, all she wanted to do was live, no matter what. Maybe she would change her mind once the pain medicine wore off and she was feeling the full force of her pain. But for now at least, she was sure of one thing- she wanted to live. And she was scared to death that she wouldn't. Even thought the BMT was supposedly a cure for a lot of people, there were no guarantees. After all, if it worked for everyone, nobody would relapse with leukemia, right? This fear was what drove her to do something she almost never did- cry. She didn't see Kaedan watching her through the glass, or hear him enter. In fact, she was 100% certain she was alone, until he spoke. “Kenadie? Sweetie?” She sniffled, and tried to stop, but couldn't quite do it. "I'm fine," she squeaked, though it was clear she was unconvinced.

» “Hun, why are you crying?” She shook her head. "I'm not," she said, even though it was clearly a lie- she and Kaedan should both know that. Sniffling, she let her hand fall and looked up at Kae. "I'm so scared." She grabbed his hand with hers, wishing she could feel his flesh instead of the weird-feeling latex gloves he had to wear. "I- I don't want to die," she whispered tearfully. She tugged on his arm gently, pulling him enough onto the bed so that she could cling to him and rest her head against his shoulder- once again wishing that it was his flesh she was feeling instead of the surgical gown. "I want to fight this..." She lifted her head up so she could look into his eyes. "No matter what it takes. Even if it keeps coming back, I want to keep fighting until there's nothing left to try." She knew this was something he'd been waiting to hear for too long. Instead of her usual telling him how much she wanted to give up, she was now telling him that she would do anything but.

tag » kaedan ?!
status » finished ?!
outfit » hospital gown ?!

» “You won’t die, hun. You won’t.” Kenadie wasn't convinced. If this thing had already returned once, what was to stop it from coming back again? And again after that? And even more times after that? There were only so many drugs available, and eventually, she would run out of things to try. Maybe it wouldn't happen this go-around, and maybe she would be able to hang on for a year or more while they tried to find a combination of drugs to fight off the leukemia and keep it gone for good, but she was sure that eventually, if something wasn't done soon, she would lose her battle. This was basically what she thought before, except for a small difference. Before, she wanted to take her death into her own hands, and make it happen as soon as possible. But now, she was just scared of it. She didn't want to die, she was just sure it was inevitable. "I don't want to die," she repeated in a low whisper. She really didn't. She wanted to fight. She just wasn't sure what good it would do.

» "And know what? I’ll be by your side in all this. I’ll help you get through all of this, Kenadie.” With every word of that sentence he spoke, Kenadie's heart broke a little more. She knew what she'd done would tear Kaedan up, and considering that what he'd just given her- his bone marrow- could very well save her life, she felt like she was betraying him even more so than she would have if she had been healthy the whole time. "I don't deserve you," she whispered to him, tearing up. "You're so perfect..." Kaedan had been nothing but the perfect husband the entire time. He was loving, kind, gentle, a great father, and was doing everything in his power to keep Kenadie alive. And how had she repaid him? By going off and fucking some random guy. It wasn't like she'd gone out intending to cheat, but it amounted to the same thing- intent didn't matter, but actions did. No matter what she had intended to do, the bottom line was that she had sex with a man that was not Kaedan. "Kae, I've done something awful..." Without going into gruesome details- because she knew Kaedan would be hurt enough just to be giving the bare minimum- she told him how, about the middle of last month, she went dancing while he was at work, and met a man who she ended up fucking.

» Needless to say, Kaedan couldn't possibly have taken it well. Kenadie couldn't even look at him while she told him, instead turning her head away from him. After she finished speaking, there were several awkward, uncomfortable seconds, before she felt him get off her bed, heard his footsteps, and then heard the door slam. Part of her wished he had raged. At least then she would have known what was going through his mind. But when he was silent like that... Obviously, she knew he must be angry. What kind of man wouldn't be, when he'd been a model husband and got thanked with an unfaithful wife? She just wished he wouldn't repress it. But what else was he thinking? Was he going to go straight for, you know, legal services? Oh, she wouldn't blame him. She knew she totally deserved to be left, after what she'd done to him. And she could honestly say that would be her first move too, had Kaedan been the one to cheat. As soon as the door slammed shut, Kenadie started bawling. God, she felt like she didn't deserve to live any more. Maybe her dying would be easier on Kaedan, maybe he could make more sense of that... But she was in an isolation room. Unless Kaedan or one of the hospital's staffers had somehow managed not to kill a germ even with all the safety protocols that were followed, chances are she would be infection-free. All she could do now was wait, and cry.

» Several hours later, the house phone rang. It was the hospital. Something had gone wrong. Even with all the scrubbing and surgical attire, and near-perfect sanitization of everything that went into Kenadie's isolation room, the fact remained that they would never be able to prevent every single little germ, no matter how hard they tried. Someone, someone- either one of the hospital staff or maybe Kae himself- had managed to carry in a virus, which in Kenadie's body that completely lacked an immune system, took hold rather quickly. She had a high fever- in the 100's- was shaking, and if they didn't bring her blood pressure down, she was going to start having seizures. They were maxing her out on pain medicine, blood products, and antibiotics. The caller from the hospital explained that it would probably be best if he came to the hospital just in case- because if they didn't bring her fever and blood pressure down quickly, she wouldn't survive the next couple hours, let alone through the night.

tag » kaedan ?!
status » finished ?!
outfit » hospital gown ?!

» For Kenadie, not telling Kaedan was never an option. Sure, it was feasible that he would never meet, because after all, how likely was it that Kaedan would both run into Rico and happen to strike up a conversation about his wife? And if Rico had any common sense at all, he wouldn't be like "yeah, I tapped that". Still, the guilt was overwhelming for Kenadie. It would hurt Kae, and it would hurt herself to have to actually say the words, and yeah, it might tear them apart for good, but she had to do it. She couldn't bear the thought of keeping that dark secret from Kaedan for the rest of their lives. And what if he found out about it from someone else? She would never forgive herself. It broke her head as she heard the door slam shut, but she knew it was for the best. All she could do was wait now, and see what Kaedan would do. Maybe eventually he would forgive her. She was ready to promise, with every ounce of truth in her body, that she would never do such a thing again. She wouldn't, either. The only reason she hadn't refused Rico was because of that sticky-note. Until then, and ever since, Kaedan was the only man she was attracted to. She had no interest in anyone else, and if worst came to worst and Kaedan couldn't forgive her, she didn't know what she'd do.

» The doctor that called Kaedan had no idea what happened, and growled lightly as he was hung up on. What a dick! What kind of man got the news that his wife might not survive the next couple hours and then questioned why he should be there? Sure, he might not actually do any good, since he had no medical training, but if they were unable to do anything for Kenadie, wouldn't he want to be there to say goodbye? If nothing else, didn't he want to be there to tell her everything was going to be okay? What kind of man wouldn't want to be there? A man who had just been told his wife was unfaithful, that's who. But the doctor had no idea about this, and just assumed Kaedan was a massive asshole. Sighing, he put the phone back on the receiver and went back to Kenadie's isolation room, where a doctor and some nurses were working on her, trying to bring her vitals back to normal levels. But upon seeing Kaedan arrive a short while later, the doctor exited the isolation room and threw away his gloves, walking up to him. "We're doing everything we can," he said. "We're giving her the maximum dosage of everything. All we can do now is hope it works." He patted Kae on the shoulder, and was about to walk away when he heard frantic tapping on the glass. He whirled around to see a nurse trying to get him back inside, and quickly scrubbed back up, put gloves back on, and went back in.

» Kenadie had started shaking, badly, and it took all the staff in the room to hold her so she didn't fall off the bed, or hit her head on the side and break her skull or something. But as soon as they got her to lie still, she flatlined. They shocked her, twice, three times, and finally, after shocking her four times, they got a heartbeat. Even though now her blood pressure and temperature were coming down, she wasn't safe. They still needed to get rid of the infection if they wanted her to survive. And they needed to keep an eye on her- a very close eye- for any other changes. Quick action may mean the difference between life and death in this case. And with the high doses of medicines they were giving her, they had to make sure her kidneys didn't quit. Then she'd really be fucked. For now, once again, all they could do was wait and see- if the medicine worked, if Kenadie could pull through. After adjusting a few things and making sure Kenadie was stable for the moment, the medical staff left the room, and one nurse took the time to explain to Kaedan what just happened, and that if he wanted to go in, he had to scrub like a bitch.

tag » kaedan ?!
status » finished ?!
outfit » hospital gown ?!

» Mercifully, Kenadie felt nothing in the last few minutes. Her brain had been too fried due to the temperature to register pain or fear. Luckily, they brought her temperature down- not low enough to be 'safe' but not as high as it had been- before any brain damage occurred. But to make sure, they would do an MRI when she was well enough to leave the isolation room, just to see if there was any structural damage. Until she woke up, they wouldn't actually know if she was suffering any major effects- speech problems, memory loss, general loss of cognitive abilities- so until then, it was a waiting game. When Kaedan was finally allowed in, Kenadie was out cold. They had upped her dosage of medication so that she could sleep some, and hopefully eliminate most of her pain. A while later, a nurse came in to check on Kenadie and saw that her fever came down a bit- somewhere around 101F- and adjusted the dosage of anti-biotics and other medications to allow her to possibly wake up.

» It was a while, though, before Kenadie actually became conscious. It was the middle of the night by then, and all the doctors and nurses from earlier left and the new shift came in. Kenadie wasn't really all that aware of her surroundings. It was like her mind was full of static. She couldn't communicate with the outside world, and really the only indication that there was any change in her status at all was an increased heart rate. The only clear thought she could form was that everything hurt. Even though she was nearly maxed out on pain medicine, it still wasn't doing enough for her. Her whole body hurt- it felt like she'd broken every single bone. She tried desperately to open her eyes, or move, or somehow indicate that she needed more pain medicine, but lacked the energy to do so. A few seconds of this, and she was already reconsidering her opinion on there not really being a Hell (not including the one in Michigan.) Her blood pressure spiked again, because being in pain was stressing her out, until she finally managed to work up the strength to move her hand slightly, and push the button on the pain pump controller they'd placed in her hand. The pain medicine was flowing in a steady drip, but she could also get an extra kick from it if things got too bad- and after a certain amount, the machine would lock to prevent an overdose.

» But then she was out again. It would be several hours before she started to show signs of drastic improvement. Around six the next morning, she managed to open her eyes a little, but immediately shut up, with a light- almost inaudible- groan. The lights, although dull, were too bright for her, and even seeing a slight amount gave her a headache. She hadn't seen much though the narrow slit, but she did see a vague figure, and knew, somehow, that it was Kae. "I'm so sorry..." she tried to say, even though it was barely even at a "whisper" volume. She was void of all strength. Hell, it was a good thing they had that tube in her nose, or she probably would lack the strength to even breathe. Right now, after how badly she hurt Kae, she was starting to rethink her position on not wanting to die, too. Maybe she deserved it. Maybe now that he knew what she'd done, he would find it easier to let her go. "...love you..."

tag » kaedan ?!
status » finished ?!
outfit » hospital gown ?!